Happy Sunday Everyone:
Lot to say, trying to figure out how to say it without sounding like a brag, but that’s on my mind as I type, and you read…”don’t sound like you’re bragging/boastful”, please know that.
With coaching, I have 12 students for 6 months at a time, but there are 450 students total. The other 438 can schedule a call with a coach throughout the semester if they want to. I look at it as an honor, someone is seeking me out for help (no bigger compliment as far as I’m concerned). I looked in my calendar Thursday and right after my regular coaching calls was a guy who has scheduled 2 previous calls over the last couple of years with me, but I’ve never had the opportunity to coach him throughout my 10 years as a coach. This guy looks tough, big guy, beard, kind of seems all business. The previous two calls I had with him I asked him to write a letter to himself, which I had done, and also to read a book “from strength to strength” which I had also done. He did both, which for me is more of a reason to give him my undivided attention, because he listens and executes. So I asked him how he’s doing right now. He proceeds to tell me he’s struggling massively. He’s 36, he has 5 kids, 4 naturally, 1 from adoption, he’s used to closing 25-30 loans a month, making a ton of money, he’s currently closing 5ish, not making a ton of money, his son that he adopted from foster care is having major challenges at school, daily, which is taking a toll on his wife, and their marriage. Overall, he feels completely broken and he’s looking for advice. I’m on my side thinking I’m honored he picked me for this call, and I’m not sure what to tell him….I’m a business coach, not a trained therapist and the call is clearly about his life, not about how we get from 5 loans back to 25.
First thing I did was acknowledge my last 90 days, my last 12 months, and although I don’t have 5 kids, I have felt the same way, which is somewhat out of control, and not entirely sure how to right the multiple ships that seem off course in my own life. We worked together. I acknowledged advice I also need to hear, which is the number of loans I close does not, and will not, define the quality of my life and who I am as a person, or who he is as a person. Our net worth is more than that. I asked him to write down spouse, family, money, faith, work, health (things he acknowledged as important to him). To number them on time spent currently vs. where he wished his time was spent. We talked about me, I told him of my last 90 days, of losing my dad, of me feeling lost and out of control. I suggested a decision i had personally made last month, which was to control the only thing I could control, my head space and my health. Drinking a ton less, eating a ton better (down 17lbs with a lot more mental clarity). Control the controllables was our main topic. My drinking and eating resonated with him but not some crash course diet, not some extreme workout, just slowly course correcting the controllables.
We cried about my dad and his mom , who he lost at 18 to cancer. We talked about his dad, who has been estranged from him and his 3 brothers since his mom’s passing. We talked about a 3 page letter he wrote to his dad recently forgiving him, we talked about my dad’s eulogy (he watched it later, I read his letter as well). We talked about the concept of “because of” people vs. “in spite of” people, that anything good in my life is “because of” my dad, and anything good in his life is “in spite” of his dad, both powerful motivators to consider. But we turned it on ourselves. What are our kids going to say when we’re gone, what are our spouses going to say when we’re gone about us? In the end, we focused on the fact that we have to take care of ourselves first. So many of us are in one crazy ass season of our life, and for so many reasons. I gave myself a personal pep talk last month. Excuse me talking in the 3rd person (ultimate sign of arrogance), but I said ‘Hunter, if your world feels out of control, if business feels out of control, if everything feels out of control, then I need to be as clear headed as I’ve ever been to make the decisions I need to make to get back on course”. Our primary theme was that, our physical and mental health first, then we concentrate on our priorities from there.
I shared a quote with him I had just read on Thursday Morning, thanks to a friend thinking I’d love a book, “The everyday hero manifesto”. The author’s dad wrote this to him when he was in his 20’s, and it reminded me of my own dad, and a message I want to tell my own sons.
“When you were born, you cried while the world rejoiced. Live your life in such a way that when you die, the world cries, while you rejoice.”.
Chris deciding I was the person he wanted to talk to was probably better for me than it was for him. We both agreed, not as a coach and a student, but as two humans working through life together, it was as impactful as any 40-minute call either of us have had. I’m quite certain vulnerability is the key ingredient to any growth we’re going to experience in our life, acknowledging when things are broken, or feel broken, and trusting people to help us get back on course. From my perspective, our net worth is the quote above, the tears when we’re gone…certainly not the number of loans we’ve closed or homes we’ve sold.