Happy Sunday Everyone:
I’ve talked about my boys a decent amount in these Sunday Thoughts. In part because they drive me nuts, in part because they’re my life, in part because of what I learn from them, and in part because of the reminders they create from my own life. Anyone with kids knows it’s a trip to see your own personality/strengths/weakness/traits come through in them, both learned and inherent.
Thomas got my brain, for better and for worse. I was at work last week and saw an email come through from his English teacher, it wasn’t good. First 3 weeks of online schooling and he’s off to a bad start. First I grow angry, “how hard can the first 3 weeks of school be” is my thought. Then I remember what it was like for me to sit through a class, to concentrate for 50 minutes at a time on a subject I wasn’t overly interested in. Then I remember Thomas is trapped in his room looking at a small screen, trying to stay focused for 85 minutes at a time. He’s trying to take notes, pay attention to the teacher, and understand stuff he doesn’t understand. He can’t really ask questions, he can’t go meet with his other teacher that helps him through some of this stuff, he’s stuck. So when I come home and ask him about it, his lower lip starts shaking. He’s trying to be tough and not cry and then he says “dad, I’m an idiot, I can’t do any of this”. Hard to hear those words come out of your kid’s mouth, but I understand how he feels. We talk about it, he explains what’s going through his brain, and it sounds similar to me, even at 46. If you’re like us, you know, if you’re not like us, picture an engine running so fast at some point it just blows up and comes apart, it just stops, and you’re so frustrated you want to either cry or throw a brick through a wall.
I explain to Thomas that he and I are in this together, primarily because it’s my fault, because it’s my brain that got him here. We walk through the bright spots of having our brain and some of the frustrations of having our brain, school being one of them, and online school doubling-up the issue. We talked about some of the mechanisms we can use to recognize when the engine is running too fast, and what to do about it, and all I could think about was how amazing this conversation and experience was for us both. It wasn’t so much father/son bonding, it was watching his relief that I understood his brain by explaining mine. It was awesome.
As I sit here and think about it all over again, a few take aways.
1. Have the presence to reverse the lens. Had I not thought about “what is Thomas feeling”, my response would have been a reaction with a very different outcome. I can be critical of others and myself and it’s something I’m working on. This was a win for me. We need to recognize our wins.
2. There is a tricky balance between acceptance and excuses. This is a work in progress but glad to be thinking more about the idea. As parents do we demand a 4.0 from Thomas and anything else is unacceptable? Do we say “you got an F, but that’s okay because your brain works differently”. Both answers are a fail. Which brings me to the next and most important point for me to remember.
3. “I did my best today and my best is good enough”. This is something we talk about in coaching a lot and it’s where Thomas and I left our conversation. He and I just need to make sure we leave school, and work, with this thought process. If I did best today, my best is good enough, and from there let the chips fall where they may. There is a certain peace in knowing this. I asked Thomas “do you think you did your best today?”, he said he didn’t. Oddly enough, on his own accord, he spent a couple extra hours in his room studying that night, and oddly enough he got a 100% on a test the next day (wasn’t English but who cares). Knowing what our best looks like is something worth high consideration.
Whether we are 14 or 46, putting in our best effort in all that we do helps build a wall of confidence. It also allows us to appreciate our many strengths and accept our shortcomings for what they are. I told Thomas I scraped by English and the absolute worst part for me was writing, and here we are today. Not sure what to make of that one but interesting none the less.
I asked Thomas for permission to send. His response “permission granted”.
Have a great Labor Day Weekend.