Happy Sunday Everyone:
Super Bowl Sunday rivals Christmas/Thanksgiving. Complete excuse to do nothing but see how much weight you can gain in a single day while watching football with all of your friends/family…or maybe that’s just me.
This is a hard share i.e. embarrassing for me. Kim suggested no edits so I’m just sending. I’ll try to put some context on this so no one calls the cops/therapists on me.
I’m sure I’m not the first to suggest that teenagers aren’t easy. Boys/Girls are different but they both come with their set of challenges. I’ve been feeling underappreciated, undervalued, and not always happy with my kids. I decided I was going to get back at them and give them the silent treatment for a few days (very mature thought process). Mindset-If they have it all figured out, good luck. Oddly enough, it didn’t go very well. Only person that noticed much was Kim. So Friday Morning during my routine I sent the below email to a friend I seek counsel from.
My e-mail to my friend:
“Curious to your thoughts on me being an asshole at home. Love my wife, love my boys, although they are a challenge right now, but I get stuck in this selfish/self-pity mindset that I’m not appreciated, which causes me to withdraw, which is so freaking stupid but when I’m in this place, I can’t get out of it. would love your input on how I get out of this consistently. I react too much to how others respond to what I put out there. With being a “coach”, I also coach too much (with my kids)….I think I’m turning into that guy who is always into self-development but forgets to be happy/joyful. drives me nuts. I’m pushing my kids away from me because it’s always a life lesson etc….but then I also feel like if I’m not doing it, my wife isn’t either….I’m the disciplinarian in the family, in general, and probably because we have boys. Have you seen this before? thoughts and/or advice?”
Aside from acknowledging he also had struggled with the need to “impart his wisdom” on his family, my friend gave me some great points I thought worth sharing. This isn’t new information but I needed a reframe from someone else in order to get out of my own way and change directions. His email is too long and I didn’t ask permission so I’ll bullet the advice:
* I can’t change my kids, but I can change how I treat my kids, in a nutshell, love them unconditionally.
* be a “good finder” not a “fault finder”. First read I thought this was cheesy, 10th read, genius, and it’s already working. My kids do so many great things yet I have my radar out for everything they do wrong. Terrible way to go.
* Surrender the need to advise/coach and focus entirely on building the relationship.
* The more encouraging I am the more encouraged they will become.
What’s interesting to me is this is applicable for any relationships we’re in. Only we can choose to change ourselves, find the good in people, focus on building relationships, which often comes more from listening than advising, and be a light of encouragement for people. Pretty simple. My strong suspicion is putting this in play creates everything I’m looking for.
Hitting the send button with a slight twinge of pain…….
Have a great week ahead.