Happy Sunday Everyone:
Something is in water, or something is in the age, but marriages/relationships are tricky right now. I have more clients going through divorces than I ever have, I have more friends struggling with their marriages, or already divorced. I’m glad I’m not there with Kim but we also have our issues from time to time, one of which recently popped its head up. We (I) tend to purposefully parent quarterly, or bi monthly. What I mean is I come home from work and decide what I don’t like about how we’re raising the kids. Chores not being done, not studying on their own, too much I phone, rooms are a mess, they don’t want to go to practice etc…..then I get pissed off, explain to Kim how it needs to be…meaning “chore charts, daily accountability, spotless rooms, appreciate the lessons I’m paying for, appreciate the food on your plate”. This lasts for 1 day, we’re back to normal, and then 1 or 2 months down the road, I’m mad again, bring up the same topics…and we’re in a fight. Does that make sense? or am I writing something to a lot of people scratching their head thinking this guy is an idiot? Basically what I think is helpful Kim is taking as a personal attack on her parenting (rightfully so). We had this same fight, same one we’ve had 10 times, about a month ago, and she left the house for a bit to get away from me. For once in my life, I thought through it instead of reacting with some hurtful words, and created what I’ve attached below. I thought if Kim and I could both be on the same page with what we want our kids to be in general, what type of parents we wanted to be in general, and what type of spouses we wanted to be in general, and then we discussed this on a weekly basis over a glass of wine, our chances of success and minimizing these hurtful blow outs would be much better. We’re 4 weeks into it and it’s amazing what it’s done for us. The power of writing things down, the power of actually thinking about what you want in life and writing it down, to a large degree is liberating. If we don’t focus on each other first, we grow cynical, we start to resent the other person, and then we wonder where, and when, it got so far off track. I’m better today than I was 5 years ago. If someone told me to sit down with Kim back then, and write down what is below, I would have laughed it off, now I think it’s one of the more important things we’ve done for our marriage. I don’t think it’s ever too late either. You can write it about your retirement years, about being grandparents, etc…if you dismiss it, I think you might take a step back and ask why?
Below is my list, Kim reviewed and commented, and then we just sit there with a glass of wine and talk about it…pretty freaking simple. Idea wasn’t around specific items i.e. A student, Baseball etc.….The idea was around questioning are we parenting to create the words below. It’s a gut check on our daily actions to ensure they’re in alignment with what is below.
What do we want in our boys, and in life:
· Have Faith
· positive
· believe you can do anything
· be confident and trust yourself
· kind
· interested in the world
· charitable
· understands health, and that being healthy makes you feel great. Make healthy decisions.
· enjoy exercise, enjoy the pain of exercise (runners high).
· motivated to learn about life and explore
· do their best in all they commit to.
· appreciate working hard, in anything you do, gives the greatest chance of the results you want (not necessarily money driven).
· respect for others, and others stuff.
· proper manners
· find things that genuinely interest them, not us.
· understand TV/Video Games/phones should be minimized and serve very little purpose in being happy.
· respect women, their parents, and one another.
· respect teachers and school. put the time in to learn. it’s not about what they’re learning, it’s about the habits they’re creating for life.
· Do chores without us asking us.
· try to solve before asking how.
As Parents:
· hold our kids accountable to what is above.
· be energetic in weekend/activities with the boys.
· get outside of our comfort zone with vacations/adventures/learning/museums.
· focus less on food and teach them healthy habits.
· show them what love looks like with how we treat one another.
· Have each other’s backs first at all costs.
· be consistent in our communication with one another and our boys. Be consistent with our message. When we’re feeling weak, don’t push it onto the boys (i.e. dinner out vs. in because we’re tired).
· Be at our best in front of our boys (no gossip, no shit talking, minimal inappropriate activity).
· Show them a faithful marriage and a mutual respect for one another.
· meet weekly to ensure we’re on the right track and discuss any differences we might have.
· push not judging people. Let our boys figure out what they want to be…..be open to advice, suggestions.
As Spouses:
· never go to bed mad.
· respect one another and our strengths and weaknesses, we both need to appreciate what those are.
· Understand and act on each other’s love languages.
· never say cruel things that you will regret.
· take time at the end of the day to communicate on how each other’s days were, phones down, and listen.
· know what’s important to each person regardless of how the other feels, and then respect it.
· be in sync on financials/insurance/what to do when something bad happens, who, what, why, when, where, how?
· Be a gentleman to Kim, never assume she will always be here.
· be active in our lives and get out of our comfort zone. Go someplace we’ve never been once a year.
· exercise together (walks, workouts, whatever).
· play sports together.
· do something the other person likes, even though you might not love it.
· date night.
· have no regrets when we’re gone.