Happy Sunday Everyone:
I had someone I’m very close with at work pull me aside on Wednesday and tell me I lack empathy. My initial stance was pure defense. Me? lack empathy? Are you kidding me? I’m Mr. Empathetic. This person didn’t tell me this to hurt my feelings, this person told me this because they believed it was important and I needed to know. So I come home and ask Kim “Do you think of me as empathetic?”….she starts laughing. So I’m realizing there is a problem here. Proof once again, reality and what is in our own heads is not always the same. We talked about it a bit and then as we’re going to bed she he hits me with “we need to finish our conversation about you being empathetic”….60 minutes later, turns out I “might” need to work on my version of what I think it means to be empathetic.
Definition of Empathy: The ability to understand and share the feelings of another.
My initial reaction to this definition is “soft”. Perhaps this is why someone close to me might suggest I lack empathy? could it be? I have always believed one of my strengths is a natural understanding of emotional intelligence. Realizing now having emotional intelligence and being empathetic are not the same. I didn’t think of them to be the same but I did believe having emotional intelligence automatically put me in the category of having empathy toward others, not so much.
I’d like to believe my team would tell you I care a great deal about them. This also is where it gets confusing for me. Caring and being empathetic are not the same. I care about Tina (on my team), but being empathetic is understanding that I come home to a dinner, she comes home to a daughter who needs her mom to make dinner for the two of them. When I think through this lens I have a greater appreciation and understanding of the importance on finding more people for our team to balance the current workload vs. throwing overtime pay at my existing team with the assumption that this is okay with them and solves the problem. Overtime is a band aid, not a solution. Side note-Tina wasn’t the one that talked to me.
So a few take aways for me:
1. Taking a practical approach to being empathetic will make me a better leader.
2. Not being empathetic is an Achilles heel and will cause issues down the road if I don’t take note of it today. Noted.
3. Actionable and tactical processes with an empathetic mindset is how you retain great people. i.e. what do they in fact need vs. what I think they need. You can only truly know by having “the ability to understand and share the feelings of another”.
4. Being more empathetic around the house might be beneficial to my marriage and fatherhood.
5.
Being empathetic is like chocolate. It’s not always sweet, it has a lot of practical uses outside of the warm and fuzzies of the word itself. I will not underestimate the importance of empathy moving forward. This was a wakeup call for me, and as I think through it, I totally get it. It’s not a fun exercise to realize where you’re lacking but it is necessary at times, a little self-reflection never hurts.
Have a great rest of your Sunday.