Happy Sunday Everyone-
The sun is out. The skies are clear. We honored my dad’s life on Friday. When people we love leave us, we look for clues. The last sunny day was 12/21, the day he passed, the first sunny day back was 1/20, the day we celebrated him. Our pastor asked us how many people we thought would attend. Having no real clue, I suggested between 300-600. He kindly/gently told us he’s only seen 600 at the church twice in his time here so not to be disappointed, turned out to be standing room only. We started with taps, the honor guard, the American Flag given to my mom, then his 3 close friends, Hillary (sister), my boys, Jack and Thomas, and I honoring him with our words, then a video, then close out prayers. We honored him well. I always knew Hillary and I had the greatest dad of all time but it was confirmed on his send off. Such massive pain but also such massive gratitude for his life and him being my north star. I could spend my life writing a book on the lessons of Tom Marckwardt. I’ve said many times, my truest blessing with my dad is we left nothing unsaid and we really didn’t, there was so much love in our family. I have no regrets aside from wishing for extended time.
Below is my eulogy and attached is the video played at his service. This distribution list is a wide range at this point so please feel no pressure to read for some of you, and I’m sure others would want to.
Video:
Eulogy:
There is no eulogy that could do our dad’ life justice. He was simply a presence that we had never felt before. Words to describe our dad, coming from so many of you over the past 30 days- infectious energy, determined, grit, strong, a complete and total bad ass, hardworking, handsome, a gentleman, a legend, a patriot, responsible, wise, excuseless, a loving husband, father, son, and brother, a loyal and helpful friend, a generous employer, a gifted listener and advisor, a hero to Hillary and me, a best friend and soul mate to our mom, and the greatest gift a grandchild could hope for. He was the ultimate Patriarch.
We wanted to take these words used to describe him and put them into examples throughout his life.
Infectious energy-we all felt his glow. According to our beloved Grammie, his 4th grade class also felt is glow which is why he had to go home every single day during recess, cold towel on his head, lights out….to try to tame that energy just a bit. This was not his choice. Who would know then we’d all gain so much life from that energy. His smile changed the energy in the room. “Hi I’m Tom with a smile from to ear to ear”…Walking into our homes on Christmas morning, “HO HO HO”. It was unintentional but he announced his presence with authority.
Strong-physically, mentally-Point Loma High School, San Diego, the crowd laughing at the 155lb 5’9 senior as he entered the shot-put competition for county. Not only did he win, but he also set a record not to broken for 15 years.
Determined, cool, and handsome-Driving from San Diego to Illinois for leadership school for his fraternity, SAE w/ 2 buddies. 15 minutes into the drive, 2 hot girls are spotted on their way back to Boulder. My dad followed them, gas stations, restaurants, only to get off too early on an off ramp. Realizing he lost them; he jumped back on the freeway until they stopped again. Story is too long but my mom and dad swapped cars and drove together from las crusas NM to Boulder. Our dad told our mom he’d be back in a week. Mom says “sure”….a week later he’s sitting on her doorstep waiting for her. Fast forward 2 years, she’s a teacher, our dad was her custodian, leaving love notes on her desk every night. Our mom would look out her window, when she saw him coming, she said she could hardly see straight. It was the beginning of a 55-year love story.
Patriot-responsible-learner, When war called, he went. He was a naval gunnery officers serving 2 tours in Vietnam. he kept it quiet unless you pried. Jack/Thomas pried. My dad would tell stories to the boys about the inner workings of the USS Duluth. He held the keys to the nuclear weapons, scary, but there was no more responsible person on the ship. He was up for any task. He loved this country.
Hard working, grit, excuseless-generous employer-After the Navy our dad took a job with Xerox, where he would start a lifelong friendship with so many. He grinded and climbed inside the organization-taking his family from San Diego, to LA, to Laguna Hills, and finally to Rochester NY. A career lasting 22 years until getting the call to take an executive role at world savings. 6 months in, the owners decided our dad had a little too much energy for them. The president of the company picked our dad up one day for work and told him he was fired. Leave a 22-year career, move your family across the country for the next big thing, and you’re done in 6 months. Our dad lived a life of no excuses. Literally, never in my life did I hear him offer one. He didn’t mention any of this to Hillary and me, he studied for his real estate license and became a wholesale rep. He became the leader of the sales force, he motivated, inspired, taught, coached, and helped so many people in this room today. The primary word I hear about our dad is “a legend”. In a 10-year period of time he went from getting fired to personally representing 3% of the revenue of a 25 billion company. With all that said, we never hear about his volume, we never hear about his success, all we hear is “Tom changed my life” “I am where I am today because of Tom”, “Tom took me under his wing”, “Tom was the greatest mentor I’ve ever had”. He truly loved going to work every day. To be on his team was the elite. Everyone in this room that worked for our dad, he loved you.
Kind-generous-a listener-wise-a total bad ass.
So many qualities or faults can be identified by watching how someone treats the people that serve them. Our dad treated everyone with respect & kindness. You didn’t serve our dad, you helped our dad, he had zero sense of entitlement or betterment because you were bringing him a meal, cleaning his golf clubs, anything. He knew families of those that helped him, he asked questions of those that helped him. He viewed everyone as an opportunity for a relationship. It’s evident in his passing how those who helped our dad felt about him. Our beloved Lito from the club, shows up unannounced on Christmas Night. 5 hugs to our family, the simple words “I loved Tommy, I’m sorry”, and away he went. The marina guys in Tahoe-our dad would eat breakfast at rosies and walk them down a pizza every single time. Their words “We are a total loss of words; we are so sorry. He was one of the most humble and respectful men we have ever known. He did not care where you came from or your social status and would take time out of his vacation to show gratitude for all of us at the Marina”. The list goes on and on.
Loyal & helpful-There wasn’t a distinction of what he considered a friend. If he liked you, and you liked him, he was your friend. The common theme I’ve heard from so many is loyal, helpful, consistent, and always there for you. He was an advisor to his friends. He held an aura of wisdom, intelligence, and always having a friend’s best interest in mind.
The greatest gift a grandchild could have:
It’s of fairytale material. Our mom once said, “the best part of being a grandparent is its do over from being a parent”. Our parents raised Jack, Thomas, Tatum, & CJ. To have our parents stamp on our children daily is one of our greatest blessings. Our dad would toast every time we were together as a family and say “how fortunate are we, who gets to do this with their families, how great is this”, and it was. We can wallow in the future events that will be missed, or we can have unimaginable gratitude for the days of yesterday.
A hero to Hillary and me-two phases of having my dad as my dad. Up to 18, and after 18. He pounded principals into us through his actions. In the world of frugality, after a bird crapped on my burger in dana point when I was 8, he told me to eat around it, true story. That didn’t go over well when I told my mom. He taught us patience and calmness, an example of this was Hillary and I arguing on a family trip to Gettysburg. He calmly slammed the door to our vanagon, only to have it fall off and lay in the parking lot. Marckwardts are passionate people. Truth is my parents worked their butts off to create a foundation for our family in the early years. I really started to get to know dad when I was a teenager and even more so during and after college. People talk about having a personal board of directors, dad was chairman of mine, and Hillary’s too. Every decision either of us ever made in our lives that mattered was run through my dad. I can hear him saying “let’s get out a t chart and write down the pros and cons of each decision”. He was so genuinely interested in our lives. He cared so much about our progress, our setbacks, and the path forward. He was honored to be invited to the table to solve a problem. He would listen like no other. He never gave an answer, he asked enough questions where the answer became obvious. in the beginning years of work, he taught us to grind, first one in last one out, compete, win, success. Being a student of life, as he matured, this message was tamed, and it was felt by us. Live a good life, a responsible life, but enjoy the ride. One of my favorite memories of my dad was just 6 months ago. We went for a ride in my old lincoln, top down, chatting away. We stopped for a beer in Danville. Him thinking I might be burning the candle a bit too much on both ends, said to me “Hunter, you need to slow down a bit and enjoy your life more”. He looked at it as fatherly advice, I looked at it as my hero giving me permission to reprioritize where my time was spent.
husband, soul mate, gentleman, and best friend to my mom. A 55-year love story. To be able to say you loved each other more the day you left each other than any other point in your lifetime is magical. From day one it was mom and dad against the world. They sacrificed together. Dad would be gone in Vietnam for 9 months at a time, mom would teach, come home, crack a beer, have a smoke, eat a 1/2 can of tuna, and write my dad a letter, every single day. They moved their family 5 times in 12 years in the hopes of getting ahead. They were passionate. Dad was smart enough to realize he was no match for our mom. Perhaps this realization took place when she backed out of the garage after an argument, garage door still down. Most of the time, the passion was on the good side. I asked our dad how he and mom stayed so connected before their 50th anniversary, His answer was simple “we always were growing together”. They got it right. They went through some lonely times in the beginning, being away from each other, hard times in the middle surviving, and then enjoying the fruits of their labor in the end. The material items were fine, but their love was the main focus. It was daily. It was a lunch date every week, it was a captain and his mate on the boat, it was cooking and arguing at home. It was the hand gestures (when my mom branched too far he’d give her a “”, if he needed info, he’d give her a ” “….those hand gestures never ended well for him but the rest of us would laugh as my mom called him a little a-hole. When they both worked, each night back home was greeted with a little grab of the butt and a kiss, when they retired each morning was my dad coming down the hall, quick check of the thermostat, followed by 3-4 kisses, before grabbing his coffee. Their final words, both heading out for golf my mom patting him on the head “have a good time”, my dad saying “remember, big swing”. His name for her “tootsie”, and hers for him “my sweetie pie”. Their marriage was a testament to what love looks like.
He was a giant. I think of him, his character, everything he represented to all of us, having him in our lives was a true blessing. No one is better off with him not being here, that part is sad. There is a direct correlation to the love he produced while here to the pain we are all feeling with him being gone. He’d want us to switch out “pain” and replace it with “gratitude”. He had more gratitude for his life, and all of us in this room, than anyone I’ve ever known.
As I come to a close on my dad’s life, i wanted to share one final thing. He and I were both in the same fraternity, SAE. The True Gentlemen was a document we had to memorize as pledges. Most of us didn’t live up to it (possibly why we’ve been kicked off of so many campuses), my dad did. My uncle recently telling my dad won the true gentleman award at SDSU. Think of my dad as I say the words of the true gentlemen.
“The True Gentleman is the man whose conduct proceeds from good will and an acute sense of propriety, and whose self-control is equal to all emergencies; who does not make the poor man conscious of his poverty, the obscure man of his obscurity, or any man of his inferiority or deformity; who is himself humbled if necessity compels him to humble another; who does not flatter wealth, cringe before power, or boast of his own possessions or achievements; who speaks with frankness but always with sincerity and sympathy; whose deed follows his word; who thinks of the rights and feelings of others rather than his own; and who appears well in any company, a man with whom honor is sacred and virtue safe.”
We miss you dad, we love you, and we will honor your life through living ours.