Happy Sunday Everyone:
I was traveling back to the Bay Area Friday. Walking through the airport, Thomas called me to talk about what he considered the hardest workout he’d ever experienced in his life with his team at USD. 6 hours later, I’m driving home from the airport and Jack called with excitement to tell me he booked two appointments for his boss (he’s interning with a great friend at U of A who works for CCM). In both cases, I talked to my boys, I talked about Thomas’s workout, about what he had to do, why it was so hard. I talked to Jack about what he was saying on the phone, what he could work on to get more appointments, etc. When I got home and sat on the couch by myself, I thought “was that the best I could do?”. Did I bring the energy and excitement my boys called me with or is it possible they had hoped for a bigger response. Can they hear my love? Can they hear my excitement for them? Can they feel it? The answer is no, not on those calls. I’m not beating myself up here, my track record with my boys goes beyond two phone calls, but it does cause some reflection and worth noting for me, and possibly you. Not just as parents, but anyone coming to us. Those boys chose to call me, did they get what they came for? Do people get what they came for when they come to you? It’s a worthy question to ask.
I’m hopeful for a lot of parents out there, one of your biggest honors is having your kids seek counsel from you. I had said at my dad’s service that he was the chairman of my personal board of directors, and he was. That’s the highest honor, sacred ground! But it’s an honor anytime someone comes to you for anything. Anytime someone is seeking counsel from you, it’s an honor. Anytime someone is seeking to share a joyous moment with you, it’s an honor. Anytime someone comes to you in their darkest hour, it’s an honor. How we respond to those moments is a massive reflection on us. It’s what makes us worthy of relationships.
I love the phrase “reverse the lens”. I was on a coaching call with Rick Ruby years ago and he mentioned it, I’ve never forgotten it. It’s a clearer version of how to be empathetic. I get there by asking if I’m Jack and I’m calling my dad to share something I’m proud of, is my dad adding to my excitement, taking away from my excitement, or neutral to the whole thing (which is a net negative)? If I’m Thomas and I’m proud of how hard I’m working to be a part of this team, and I want to share it with my dad, is his response a net positive, negative, or neutral? I can’t completely reverse the lens on Thomas. He’s further in sports than I’ve ever been and he’s probably working harder than I’ve ever worked physically, but I can be excited for him. With Jack, I can remember summer break, cold calling from 5:30-8:30PM, 5 nights a week, and how excited I was to have someone say “yes” to an appointment, especially my first couple. I’m 50 now, I’ve made a lot of appointments, but it started with the first one, reversing the lens is remembering that when I’m talking to Jack. Live in other people’s moments.
I’ve commented on a Kim quote a while back when we were talking about our friends, she simply said “there are people that breathe life into us, and people that suck it out of us”. If I can be present enough to evaluate the moment, the person, the ask, and then breathe life into that moment, that request, that person, I’d be a better dad, husband, co-worker, business partner, leader, friend, and son. I’ll take todays thoughts as a fresh start for me. Thankfully the boys now read these weekly, so they know where my head and heart are, and they can hold me accountable for delivering on our next call.