Happy Sunday Everyone:
I woke up yesterday morning and stared at the ceiling for an hour. Kim eventually woke up, looked over at me, realizing I was in a contemplative state of mind and asked what I was doing. This was our conversation.
Kim-“what are you doing?”
Me-“I think I’m depressed.”
Kim-“What are you talking about?”
Me-“Honestly-I think I’m depressed, I’m alone all day, I have no interaction w/ anyone and I hate it”
Kim “I’ll buy you a goldfish”.
Me-“do you think that will help?”
Kim-“maybe.”
100% serious, I’m lonely. I hate being alone all day. I HATE IT. I’ve come to the realization that the word “virtual” should be synonymous with “fake”. Virtual meetings are fake meetings, virtual communication is fake communication. Everything I do all day is virtual. My team is virtual, my clients are virtual, my business partners are virtual, I’m 100% virtual I have no idea what you’re thinking but I was not put on this earth for virtual communication and virtual interaction. However God made me, one thing I now know with 100% certainty, is he made me to enjoy the pleasures of human interaction in the flesh. I’m fine with a few phone calls, emails, texts, and zooms, but deep down, without question, I was put on this earth for physical, in the flesh, good old-fashioned human connection.
Perhaps I’m on an island (aka CA), I feel a little nuts even writing this but holy cow I’ve had it. Part of me, a large part of me, wishes I enjoyed the solitude of being alone, and I think to a degree, I do, but not nonstop. Virtual communication brings people from far away closer together but it separates people who were close together originally and are now virtual. I was leaving the office on Friday and for the first time in 15 months I saw two people in a conference room drawing up plans on a white board, strategizing together, working together, it was amazing, talk about taking something for granted in hindsight. Everything I’m doing right now is compartmentalized thinking. There is no brain storming with others happening. I’m good at what I do but I’m the best at what I do when I’m in collaboration with my team, not thinking alone, then running it by someone for confirmation or critique. Reminds me of my first job out of college, Nextel communication, “push to talk, release to listen”….being alone and virtual is not fluid, it’s not a replacement for connection, it’s a stop gap but it’s not a replacement and it never will be, for me at least.
So now what? Kim told me not to make fun of depression and that May is national mental health awareness month, I can tell you with 100% transparency, I’m not making fun of “being depressed” whatsoever. I’m not a doctor and have no way of diagnosing myself, but I can tell you, I’m not happy. If someone asked me to describe how I feel right now, I’d say I’m a little “depressed”.
My way out of this is to get back out there. If you work with me, you’re going to see me, if you’re on my team, we’re going to see each other, if you’re my business partner we’re getting back together, I’ll fly to you if I have to but I’m done being in my beautiful bubble every day, alone. I fully understand this was a rant but wow do I feel a little better already. Identify the problem, solve the problem, and keep moving forward. I’m coming out of my virtual shell.
Enjoy the rest of your weekend and I’ll see you soon, in the flesh! For anyone local I’ll be having a daily happy hour in my office, just let me know when you’re coming (100% serious).